What to Do If My Husband Hides Porn: 10 Signs to Watch For

What to Do If My Husband Hides Porn

If you're wondering what to do if your husband hides porn, start by recognizing that the secrecy surrounding pornography can be just as damaging to a marriage as the pornography itself. Discovering hidden porn use can leave you questioning your husband's honesty, your relationship, your intimacy, and even yourself. You may wonder how long it has been happening, why he hid it, or whether his pornography use explains changes you've noticed in your marriage.

Pornography use does not affect every marriage in exactly the same way. However, when a husband repeatedly hides porn, lies about his behavior, withdraws emotionally or sexually, or refuses to acknowledge how his actions affect his spouse, the resulting secrecy can create significant distance within the relationship.

For some couples, hidden pornography use can exist alongside patterns of intimacy anorexia, where emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy is repeatedly withheld from a spouse. Understanding these patterns can help you recognize that the problem may extend beyond what your husband is viewing on a screen.

Can Hidden Porn Use Affect Intimacy in Marriage?

Yes. Secret pornography use can affect trust, emotional connection, sexual intimacy, and communication between spouses.

A wife may notice that her husband becomes increasingly distant, less affectionate, more critical, secretive with his devices, or less interested in sexual intimacy. In other relationships, sexual expectations may begin changing in ways that make the spouse feel uncomfortable, compared, rejected, or disconnected.

The issue can become particularly painful when pornography use and secrecy exist alongside a pattern of withholding intimacy. A spouse may technically remain in the marriage while becoming emotionally, spiritually, or physically unavailable.

Are you experiencing a lack of intimacy in your marriage?

Soul Refiner expert and presenter of the Warpath and Stronger Together series, Dr. Doug Weiss, coined the term, “Intimacy Anorexia,” to describe the silent marriage killer that affects millions of couples around the world.

Intimacy Anorexia is the sin of withholding intimacy from one’s partner - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Dealing with a spouse who is intimacy anorexic feels like emotional abuse.

10 Signs Hidden Porn Use May Be Affecting Intimacy in Your Marriage

Porn use alone does not mean your husband has intimacy anorexia. However, if pornography is being hidden while several of the following behaviors are also present, there may be a larger pattern of emotional and relational withdrawal that needs to be addressed.

1. Withholds Love

According to Dr. Doug Weiss, to withhold love is to “not give love to your spouse the way you know how to, or how they have asked to be loved.” Each person has a different love language, whether it be words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, etc. (Read more in the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman). Intimacy anorexics typically know how their spouse wants to be loved, yet refuse to meet their need, leaving their spouse feeling empty, lonely, and not worthy of love.

Related Article: Husbands, Here’s How To Love Your Wife Well

2. Suppresses Praise

Intimacy anorexics withhold from praising their spouse privately or publicly. In most cases, the anorexic will control their spouse by using feelings of inadequacy and being of little importance to their lives.

3. Sexless Marriage

One of the most obvious signs of intimacy anorexia is the withholding of sex. Weeks or months passing without any sexual encounter is a strong indicator of intimacy anorexia.

Related Article: Bringing Intimacy Back To The Bedroom

4. Spiritual Suppression

Often the intimacy anorexic is super religious but has zero or little spiritual sharing or connection with the spouse. They may even be pastors or have a position in church, but at home they offer little or no spiritual leadership, never praying alone with their spouse, or sharing their faith.

Related Article: The Impact of Sin On Future Generations

5. Always Too Busy Or Distracted

Your partner keeps themselves so busy they have little time for you, filling their time with chores, the children, projects, work, etc. They also use technology to avoid their spouse through endless hours on social media, news, gaming, etc.

6. Plays The Blame Game

Intimacy Anorexic partners don't take ownership of any problem.

Every issue in the marriage has zero to do with them and everything to do with their partner. They take no ownership of any problems.

7. Inability To Connect Emotionally

The intimacy anorexic is someone that is unwilling or unable to share their feelings with their spouse. They are unable to connect in an emotionally intimate way, and the spouse feels more like a roommate than a loved partner.

Related Article: Returning Intimacy To Your Relationship

8. Constant Criticism

The anorexic constantly puts down or criticizes their spouse at every opportunity, whether over something large or small. They use criticism to keep their spouse at arm's length.

9. Anger And The Silent Treatment

They will use anger or even silence as a weapon to punish or push their spouse away. For example, they may not speak to their spouse for days or weeks over something insignificant, or they explode in anger over the smallest things to control and push their spouse away.