When Trying Harder Isn’t Enough
Why can't I stop watching porn even when I try harder?
Because willpower was never the tool for the job. Porn rewires the brain's reward system, and roughly 40 to 45 percent of daily behavior runs on habit, so cravings can push you into autopilot even when you hate what you are doing. Charles Duhigg's research points to cues and rewards as what drives a habit, not the routine itself. Learning your triggers, and getting help, is how the pattern breaks.
You vowed to yourself that you wouldn’t and promised your wife that it was over. You’ve met with your pastor and confessed. And you even told a few of your closest guy friends.
Thankfully, they were supportive and agreed to pray for you. But the other night, after the kids were tucked in bed and your wife turned in early, you felt the pull.
You’ve spent months trying harder to quit, but cannot forget the images running through your mind. “One more video can’t hurt. I’ve worked so hard today at the office and I deserve a little fun,” you say to yourself. “I’m really trying hard not to give in, but everyone’s asleep except me.”
And thus, old patterns begin to repeat themselves. One slip up turns into another, and soon, you’re right back to where you started—alone and ashamed.
With 40-45% of what we do daily being habit, the last thing you want is to make the pattern of sin a habit. Yet, it can feel impossible to overcome.
Related Article: Is Restoration Possible After Porn Addiction?
Old Habits Die Hard
In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg notes, “Scientists have studied the brains of alcoholics, smokers, and over-eaters and have measured how their neurology—the structures of their brains and the flow of neurochemicals inside their skulls—changes as their cravings became ingrained. Particularly strong habits, wrote two researchers at the University of Michigan, produce addiction-like reactions so that ‘wanting evolves into obsessive craving’ that can force our brains into autopilot, ‘even in the face of strong disincentives, including loss of reputation, job, home, and family.’ However, these cravings don’t have complete authority over us.”
Related Article: Is Restoration Possible After Porn Addiction?
You might be somewhat relieved to know that ‘trying harder’ on your own rarely works. You are not alone in feeling this way. Beginning to recognize ‘cues’ or “triggers” that cause you to seek out behavior that offers a reward is key to turning the tides on an addiction—and your addiction to porn is similar to other kinds of addiction.
Related Article: This Is Your Brain On Porn
Duhigg adds,
“And most people, when they think about habits, they focus on the behavior or the routine. But what we’ve learned is that it’s the cue and the reward that really determine why a habit unfolds.”
Knowing what you’re up against is half the battle.
Related Article: 4 Reasons Why You May Still Struggle With Porn
Reality Check
The old belief that it takes only 21-days to break a habit has been exposed to be a myth. Studies have shown in many cases that it takes 65-days or far longer to break a habit.
With addiction, it takes a minimum of 90-days, which is why many treatment facilities have 90-day programs.
Related Article: Addiction: It Doesn’t Have To Be This Way
You might need to give yourself some grace—it’s normal to struggle and typical to encounter setbacks. What is proven is that ‘going at it alone’ seldom works—even with family, friends, and your pastor praying for you.
Most of the time, prayer and ‘white-knuckling it’ aren’t enough to combat this type of problem. They must be coupled with proven systems of helping people break the cycles of addiction. It takes hard work—and humility—to seek counseling, to join a support group, and to get help that offers lasting freedom.
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Taking Stock
Often, we find that our bad habits and addictions stem from pain in our past, a longing to be known, perhaps even physical or emotional wounding we endured as a child. Taking stock of our lives—who has wronged us, who we have wronged—and looking to understand the ‘why’ behind it all can help with our recovery.
Related Article: How Past Hurts Fuel Porn Use & Where to Find Hope
The Bible tells us in Matthew 15:19,
“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.”
Every one of us has bad habits. Every one of us has bad thoughts. It’s tough to come face-to-face with our insufficiencies and admit we need help.
But we do need help, and trying harder in isolation is not the solution.
Related Article: How The Loneliness Epidemic Is Linked To Porn
Related Article: The Neuroscience of Connection
Connection Makes a Difference
Just like many alcoholics go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and work the 12-steps to recover and heal, you also need people around you to foster a community of grace-filled support and resources to kick the habit of porn.
To help break bad sexual habits we recommend the Conquer Series. It combines both Science and Scripture to help guide individuals on the process of pursuing a life void of sexual sin. It gives you the tools to fight and explains why trying harder does not work.
As you walk through this riveting study, you’ll become educated on how the brain changes through the viewing of pornography. You’ll also learn the importance of finding your identity in Christ. And finally, you will hear powerful testimonies that will remind you that freedom is possible, regardless of how far into the depths of sin you have traveled.
Related Article: How These Men Are Getting Over Porn
To date, millions of men have started their journey to a life free from porn through the use of the Conquer Series. Many churches around the world now offer a Conquer Group for men. In some locations, the Conquer Series has been used with women and couples as well. It’s not too late to pursue healing for yourself.
Sign up for digital streaming at SoulRefiner.com, and get started today!
Related Article: Pastor Barely Escapes Death In Underwater Cave (VIDEO)
Free download: 10 Questions Every Man Must Answer About His Sexual Integrity — a short self-assessment you can work through on your own.
Writing at the intersection of faith and neuroscience to help men and women break destructive cycles and walk in lasting freedom.
More articles by Jeremy Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to break a porn habit?
Longer than the twenty-one days you have heard about, which turns out to be a myth. Studies put habit change at sixty-five days or far longer, and with addiction the minimum is around ninety days, which is why so many treatment programs run ninety-day tracks. Give yourself grace for the length of it. Setbacks along the way are normal, not proof that you are failing.
Why isn't prayer alone stopping my porn use?
Prayer is not the problem and God is not withholding. But prayer plus white-knuckling is rarely enough on its own against something this deeply grooved, even when your family, friends, and pastor are praying too. It has to be paired with a proven process that breaks the cycle. That takes hard work and humility, which is exactly why going at it alone seldom works.
What are porn triggers?
Triggers, or cues, are the moments that set the whole sequence in motion before you have consciously decided anything. Being alone late at night, feeling like you have earned a reward after a hard day, boredom, stress, a particular room or device. Learning to spot your own cues and the reward you are chasing is what starts turning the tide, because the routine itself is not the real driver.
Where does a porn habit actually come from?
Usually from pain, not appetite. Bad habits and addictions often grow out of something in your past, a longing to be known, or emotional and physical wounding you took as a child. Taking honest stock of who wronged you and who you have wronged, and asking why you keep reaching for this, does more for recovery than another round of promises ever will.
What actually helps a man stop watching porn?
People and a process. You need men around you offering grace-filled support rather than management from a distance. The Conquer Series combines science and Scripture, teaching how the brain changes through porn use, why trying harder does not work, and how to find your identity in Christ. Many churches run a Conquer Group, or you can start on your own at SoulRefiner.com.
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