How Porn Is Affecting Single Men
How does porn affect single men?
It keeps them single longer and makes lasting relationships harder. Michael Johnson of Covenant Eyes explains that when porn satisfies sexual desire, that drive no longer pushes a man toward marriage, it pushes him toward more porn. Mark Ballenger adds that shame over porn use convinces Christian men they are not ready to be a husband, so they stop pursuing a woman at all. Marriage does not fix it.
A man’s pornography addiction has devastating impacts on himself, his wife, and his family. Countless marriages and broken families have been a direct result of men’s porn usage.
Unfortunately, porn is equally damaging to a single man. It can keep him single longer or prevent him from having a lasting relationship.
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A 2018 Gallup Poll revealed that the percentage of unmarried Americans (both male and female) who find porn morally acceptable increased 15 percentage points since 2017. That’s the largest increase among subgroups.
Related Article: Record Number of Americans Think Porn is ‘Morally Acceptable’
Sam Perry, an assistant professor of sociology and religious studies at the University of Oklahoma, noted,
“Perhaps it’s not being unmarried that makes people more inclined to think porn is okay, but that the more people think pornography is just fine, the less likely they are to get married.”
Perry cites two reasons viewing porn may lead single people to delay marriage.
“Pornography could either make marriage seem like an outdated, boring institution. Or pornography (and specifically masturbating to pornography) could remove the ‘need’ to get married as the source where one can find sexual fulfillment.”
How Porn Affects Relationships
Of course, there are many reasons why a man may be single. But porn usage creates unique challenges.
According to Michael Johnson of Covenant Eyes, “When we get our sexual desires ‘satisfied’ by porn, our sex drive doesn’t drive us to marriage. It drives us to more porn. You may want to be married, but porn is just so much easier. The result: you satiate your sexual appetite in a cheap, artificial sort of way, instead of letting your desire drive you to prepare and seek God’s calling in marriage.”
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Mark Regnerus, a University of Austin professor and the author of Cheap Sex, said,
“At best, porn will augment—or compete with—sex, and stall marriage. At worst, sexual technology threatens to undermine coupled sex altogether.”
Mark Ballenger, a writer at Apply God’s Word, noted a significant problem for Christian men.
“Their use of porn lessens their desire for real women. It also causes them shame and makes them feel they are not prepared for a Christian marriage; therefore they do not pursue a woman like they would if they did not have the shame from their porn use. They feel they are not prepared to be a Christian husband because of their porn addiction, and so they remain single for much longer.”
Related Article: Navigating Porn in Dating: Addressing It Early for Healthier Relationships
Porn And Marriage
Many single men mistakenly believe that their porn usage will stop when they get married. But too often, their porn addiction will follow them into their marriage.
Paul Leininger, the Executive Director at Petra Church in New Holland, Pennsylvania, said,
“I struggled with it for 28 years of my life, even into my marriage. I thought marriage would solve my problem. But, no, it didn’t.”
Related Article: Contrary to Popular Belief, Marriage Will Not Cure Porn Addiction
Craig Gross, a Pastor and Speaker, noted that porn addiction does not simply stop when you get married. “Porn is so easy. It’s so accessible. It’s teaching you so much so to be selfish…People are saying, ‘Hey, I’m not having sex, but I just look at porn.’”
“I think in the Christian world the mindset is ‘Ahh, but I’m still a virgin’…This is cheating made pure…but in reality it’s like you’re not helping anybody. You are probably hurting yourself more by bringing that addiction into your future relationship.”
Gross added, “You are setting yourself to want something by watching something that you’re not going to be able to get in marriage. Ultimately, it’s teaching you to treasure just all about what you want, what you desire. But in reality you can’t approach sex or marriage that way and have a successful marriage.”
“The lure of porn is never quenched by marital sex,” said Dannah Gresh, the author of What Are You Waiting For?
“Because porn has almost nothing to do with real love and real sex. It’s as counterfeit as a counterfeit can be.”
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Selfish Desires
Some single men justify their porn addiction by saying they need the sexual release they get by using porn and masturbating.
Noah Filipiak, a pastor and the author of Beyond The Battle, said,
“In fact, porn can almost feel like an act of righteousness for some singles—their way of making sure they aren’t having premarital sex. A Christian single man recently told me he has to look at porn because it’s his way of making sure he doesn’t have premarital sex.”
God has created the majority of us with an energy designed to drive us closer to Him. That same energy drives us as single men to seek a Christ-focused wife. In porn, our affections and energy are turned back on ourselves. Serving only our selfish desires.
Andy Farmer, a singles’ pastor at Covenant Fellowship in Philadelphia, said, “Self-gratification through using pornography is the opposite of what God intended, not a premature enjoyment of what God intended.”
Christian author and apologist C.S. Lewis recalled.
“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.“
Related Article: C.S. Lewis On Porn And Masturbation
God created sex for the benefit and enjoyment of a couple within the bounds of marriage. Sex in any other form – whether alone or with someone else – is rebellion against God’s plans.
Related Article: Why Marriage Won't Fix Your Porn Problem
Take Advantage
If you are single and plan to get married, now is a great opportunity for you to begin overcoming your porn addiction. Join a small group that has Christian men who have broken free from porn and can help support and encourage you.
Also, the development of the brain’s pre-frontal cortex continues until the age of 25. The prefrontal cortex involves such functions as personality development, proper social behavior, and decision making.
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According to Mental Health Daily, “If you are under the age of 25 and your brain is not yet fully developed, you may want to take advantage of this critical period. This means that you can effectively be a co-creator in how your brain decides to mold itself. Engaging in healthy behaviors and giving your brain optimal stimulation will help ensure healthy prefrontal cortex development.”
Dealing with your porn usage after you are 25 will be harder. So dealing with it now is a great opportunity.
Related Article: How To Delete Porn From Your Brain
Remember that once you are married, it will start to affect your wife and family members. So choose to be a man that stands with integrity now. What a great testimony that will be for your wife!
Also, find opportunities to use your energy in ways that will improve your mind, talents, and ambitions. Start preparing now to become the man that your future wife will be proud. Train to be a man who will make your wife feel secure and cherished in your love.
Related Article: A Man’s Purpose – What Does It Mean To Be A Man?
And spend time drawing closer to God. Lean into Him as you need His grace and strength today as you battle porn. Develop intimacy with God now, so in time you can make Him the centerpiece of your marriage.
You Are Not Alone
Millions of men worldwide have watched the Series. It consists of ten videos packed with strong Biblical teaching, scientific information about how porn affects the mind, powerful testimonies and engaging action footage.
Abram Johnston of Montpelier, Ohio wrote,
“In the last two years God changed my course to search for healing instead of working so hard to gain sobriety. This journey led me last year to the Conquer Series which helped me to intentionally walk through this healing with other men, instead of trying to do it on my own. I can now say that I have been clean longer now than I have been in 20 years.”
Now is the time to pursue healing. Get digital access at SoulRefiner.com.
Related Article: Why Are So Many Men Single? (VIDEO)
Writing at the intersection of faith and neuroscience to help men and women break destructive cycles and walk in lasting freedom.
More articles by Jeremy Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
Does porn make men less likely to marry?
It can, and the causation may run backwards from what most people assume. Sociologist Sam Perry suggests that "perhaps it's not being unmarried that makes people more inclined to think porn is okay, but that the more people think pornography is just fine, the less likely they are to get married." When sexual appetite is satisfied cheaply, the drive toward covenant weakens.
Is porn worse for single men than married men?
It is differently harmful rather than worse. A married man's use damages an existing covenant; a single man's use shapes what he brings into one and often delays it. Both are forming patterns that outlast the season they were formed in.
Why do Christian single men stay single longer because of porn?
Shame, mostly. Writer Mark Ballenger names the pattern directly: porn use "lessens their desire for real women," then "causes them shame and makes them feel they are not prepared for a Christian marriage; therefore they do not pursue a woman like they would if they did not have the shame from their porn use." The habit removes the appetite and then supplies the disqualification.
Is porn a substitute for premarital sex?
Some men frame it exactly that way. Pastor Noah Filipiak writes that "porn can almost feel like an act of righteousness for some singles - their way of making sure they aren't having premarital sex," and describes a Christian single man who told him just that. What it actually does is train self-gratification, which is the opposite of what marriage will ask of him.
What should a single man do about porn now?
Deal with it before marriage rather than after, because the patterns carry over intact. That means the same work a married man does - understanding the brain, identifying triggers, finding men who know the whole story, and pursuing healing for the wounds underneath.
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