Sex Still Matters in Marriage (And No, It's Not Just "Nice to Have")
Does sex really matter that much in a Christian marriage?
Yes. God designed sex as part of the glue that holds a covenant together, not an optional extra. Paul warns in 1 Corinthians 7:5 not to deprive one another, so Satan gets no foothold. Hebrews 13:4 calls the marriage bed honorable. When months pass without connection, treat it as a signal and ask honest questions together about stress, resentment, porn, or emotional walls. After betrayal, going slowly is right.
Look, let's cut the polite small talk for a second.
A solid marriage isn't only about putting the toilet seat down, shuttling kids to soccer, or remembering whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher. It's deeper than "teamwork makes the dream work." It's soul-level connection - emotional, spiritual, and yeah, physical.
God didn't slap sex in there haphazardly. He invented it on purpose. It's glue for the covenant. When it's healthy, it keeps you tight; when it fizzles, things get weird fast.
You know the drift: Life piles on-kids, jobs, exhaustion, that one argument from two years ago that never really died. Suddenly sex goes from "can't keep our hands off each other" to "maybe next month if I’m not exhausted and the laundry's done." Or worse: mechanical, stressful, or straight-up nonexistent. You end up two people who still love each other... but feeling oddly lonely in the same king-size bed.
That's not rare. It's one of the top ways couples slowly drift, open the door to temptation, or start looking for connection in dumb places. But here's the good news: It doesn't have to stay awkward and quiet forever.
God designed sex to be fun, bonding, celebrating covenant love-not a chore, performance review, or weapon.
Quick, Real Ways to Get It Healthy Again (God's Way, Not Hollywood's)
Frequency Isn't a Scorecard-But Skipping It for Months Is a Red Flag
Paul drops truth in 1 Corinthians 7:5: "Do not deprive one another... so Satan doesn't get a foothold because of your lack of self-control." Translation: Don't use sex as leverage, punishment, or "I'm too tired forever." It's you saying, "I still choose you-body and all." If it's been weeks (or months-yikes), don't just shrug. Ask the honest questions: Stress? Resentment? Porn sneaking in? Emotional walls? Get curious together, not accusatory. Talk, pray, move toward each other. The gap won't close itself. (If your relationship is recovering from betrayal trauma - it’s ok to take it slow. We have additional resources that can help you with connection after betrayal.)
Related Article: A Healthy Sex Life is Critical to a Good Marriage
Church doesn't talk about this enough, but bedroom playfulness matters.
When everything feels heavy, serious, or like a transaction ("Okay, let's get this over with"), desire tanks. But throw in laughter, teasing, goofy flirting? Doors fly open. Not taking yourselves so seriously is often the secret sauce missing. That's why stuff like the Marriage Toolkit works-no gimmicks, just prompts and challenges that help you break routines, drop the pressure, laugh together, flirt again, build anticipation. Fun kills tension. Laughter builds safety. Playfulness flips the switch. Emotional safety up → physical connection usually follows. Simple math.
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Serve Each Other Like It's a Competition (It Kind Of Is)
Selfish sex = frustration. Serving sex = trust, freedom, joy explosion. Flip the script: "How can I make you feel loved, desired, pursued today?" Husbands especially-sex doesn't start at 10 p.m. It starts with being present, kind, attentive during the day. A text saying she's beautiful, helping without being asked, really listening? That's foreplay. When both of you aim to out-serve the other, it stops feeling like pressure and starts feeling like a gift you can't wait to unwrap.
Related Article: Bringing Intimacy Back To The Bedroom
It's Mind, Body, Soul-Not Just Bodies Colliding
Hebrews 13:4: "Let marriage be held in honor... and the marriage bed undefiled." Sex in marriage is holy, good, freeing-but it's gotta stay honoring. No porn/comparison creeping in, no manipulation, no fear. It's for mutual joy, trust, vulnerability, growth. When hearts and minds reconnect, bodies usually catch up quick.
Bottom line: A healthy sex life isn't a luxury-it's critical for a God-honoring marriage.
It deepens oneness.
It guards your hearts from wandering.
It mirrors Jesus' sacrificial, joyful, faithful love.
If things feel stale, strained, or like you've forgotten how to even start-don't panic. You're not broken beyond repair.
Whether you need a full reset or just a fresh spark, the Happily Even After series + Marriage Toolkit from Soul Refiner are built for exactly this: bringing back honest talks, playfulness, laughter, and deeper connection-mind, body, soul.
Your marriage doesn't have to limp along on "surviving."
It can be alive again-full of freedom, giggles, passion, and that "I still choose you every day" vibe.
You've got this. Go talk to your spouse tonight. Maybe start with a laugh and see where it leads.
For more on building a stronger marriage, see how to love your wife well, returning intimacy to your relationship, and restoring intimacy in your marriage.
Equipping women and couples with biblical wisdom, practical tools, and compassionate guidance to pursue healing, and strengthen relationships.
More articles by Tiana Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
What does 1 Corinthians 7:5 say about withholding sex?
Scripture says plainly not to deprive one another, so that Satan does not get a foothold because of a lack of self-control. The point is not obligation or performance. It is that sex in marriage is you saying I still choose you, body and all, and using it as leverage or punishment opens a door neither of you wants opened. Hebrews 13:4 adds that the marriage bed is to be held in honor.
Is it normal for sex to fade after years of marriage?
It is extremely common. Life piles on with kids, jobs, exhaustion, and that one argument from two years ago that never really died. Sex drifts from something you could not wait for into something mechanical, stressful, or nonexistent. That drift is one of the top ways couples slowly separate, open the door to temptation, or start looking for connection in foolish places. Common does not mean permanent.
We haven't had sex in months. Is that a red flag?
Frequency is not a scorecard, but going weeks or months without connection is worth paying attention to rather than shrugging off. Ask the honest questions together. Is it stress? Resentment? Is porn sneaking in? Are there emotional walls? Get curious rather than accusatory, then talk, pray, and move toward each other. The gap will not close itself. If you are recovering from betrayal, going slowly is completely okay.
How do we make sex fun again in our marriage?
Bring back playfulness. When everything feels heavy, serious, or transactional, desire tanks, but laughter, teasing, and goofy flirting open doors fast. Not taking yourselves so seriously is often the missing ingredient. Something like the Marriage Toolkit uses prompts and challenges to break routines, drop the pressure, and build anticipation. Emotional safety goes up and physical connection usually follows right behind it.
What does it mean to serve your spouse sexually?
It means flipping the question from what do I want to how can I make you feel loved, desired, and pursued today. Selfish sex breeds frustration, while serving one another builds trust, freedom, and joy. For husbands especially, this does not start at ten at night. It starts with being present, kind, and attentive during the day. Listening, helping unasked, and telling her she is beautiful all count.
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