A Healthy Sex Life is Critical to a Good Marriage
How do we have a healthy sex life in marriage?
Three things matter most. Frequency: there is no magic number, but 1 Corinthians 7:5 warns couples not to deprive one another, so sex should never be a bargaining chip. Excitement: God did not design sex to be boring, and Song of Solomon is playful and passionate. Selflessness: aim to serve your spouse's pleasure rather than your own. Men, intimacy starts far outside the bedroom, so connect with her emotionally first.
Let’s be real: a good marriage isn’t just about paying bills on time, raising kids, or staying under the same roof. It’s also about deep connection - emotionally, spiritually, and yes, physically. A healthy sex life is a critical part of a thriving marriage. It’s not an optional extra. It’s God’s idea.
If you're ready to put this into practice together, Soul Refiner membership gives you full access to the Marriage Toolkit and courses like Happily Even After.
Yet for many couples, sex becomes mechanical, stressful, infrequent, or even nonexistent. It’s one of the top reasons couples drift apart, have affairs, or feel lonely inside marriage. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. God designed sex to be a powerful bond, a source of delight, and a celebration of your unique covenant.
How to Have a Healthy Sex Life - As God Intended
1. Frequency Matters
There’s no “magic number,” but regular, mutual sex is one of the best protectors of marital intimacy. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:5:
“Do not deprive one another… so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
This means sex shouldn’t be a bargaining chip or a rare event. It’s a way of saying, “I choose you again and again.”
If you’re going weeks or months without intimacy, it’s time to talk and explore why. Pornography? Stress? Resentment? Fatigue? Emotional distance? Get to the root, then come together - literally and figuratively. (Explore Stronger Together to learn about the silent marriage killer - intimacy anorexia and how to overcome it.)
2. Make It Exciting
God didn’t design sex to be boring. Song of Solomon is loaded with playful, passionate, poetic sexuality. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Plan a night that’s just about pleasure. Set the scene, experiment with what makes both of you feel desired.
Use tools like the Marriage Toolkit to break routines with fun challenges, conversation starters, and dare cards that spice things up.
3. Put Each Other First
A selfish sex life leads to disappointment and resentment. True intimacy is about serving each other, finding joy in your spouse’s pleasure, and building trust where both of you feel free to be honest about your needs.
Ask:
- What makes you feel most loved?
- How can I pursue your heart outside the bedroom, so you feel safe inside it?
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- What helps you feel attractive, desired, and secure?
When both spouses aim to outserve each other, incredible intimacy follows. Men, here’s a pro-tip, sex with your wife begins WAY outside of the bedroom. Connect with her emotionally and you won’t be disappointed!
4. What Does “The Marriage Bed is Undefiled” Mean?
Hebrews 13:4 says,
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
This verse affirms that sex inside marriage is pure, holy, and good. It also means you don’t bring in things that pollute it - pornography, fantasies about others, or anything that crosses biblical lines.
But does it mean anything goes between husband and wife?
Not exactly. The marriage bed is a place of mutual honor, joy, and freedom - not manipulation, pressure, or acting out porn-inspired scripts. If both spouses freely agree, it’s not harmful, and it stays between you, there is liberty. But if it violates conscience, introduces third parties (even via fantasy), or causes harm, it defiles the very trust God meant sex to build.
Why sex matters in a God-honoring marriage
A healthy sex life is not just critical for a good marriage - it’s critical for a God-honoring marriage.
- It’s where joy and unity deepen.
- It’s a powerful guardrail against temptation.
- It’s a reflection of the gospel: sacrificial, joyful, covenant love.
What to do if intimacy feels stale
If your intimacy feels stale, strained, or nonexistent, don’t lose hope. Whether your marriage needs a total rescue or just a fresh spark, check out our new series Happily Even After - designed to strengthen marriages no matter where you’re starting. Pair it with the Marriage Toolkit to jumpstart playful connection and deeper conversation.
Your marriage - and your bedroom - can become a place of freedom, passion, and trust again.
Related Article: Sex Still Matters in Marriage - And It’s Not “Nice to Have”
Related Article: Bringing Intimacy Back To The Bedroom
If this speaks to your marriage, you may also want to read bringing intimacy back to the bedroom and what men really want.
Equipping women and couples with biblical wisdom, practical tools, and compassionate guidance to pursue healing, and strengthen relationships.
More articles by Tiana Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
What does the marriage bed is undefiled mean?
Hebrews 13:4 says marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. The verse affirms that sex inside marriage is pure, holy, and good. It also means you do not bring in what pollutes it: pornography, fantasies about other people, or anything crossing biblical lines. The marriage bed is meant to be a place of mutual honor, joy, and freedom.
Is anything allowed sexually between a husband and wife?
Not exactly, though there is genuine liberty. If both spouses freely agree, it is not harmful, and it stays between the two of you, you have freedom. But the marriage bed is a place of mutual honor rather than manipulation, pressure, or acting out porn-inspired scripts. If something violates conscience, introduces third parties even through fantasy, or causes harm, it defiles the very trust God designed sex to build in the first place.
Why has sex stopped in our marriage?
If you are going weeks or months without intimacy, it is time to talk and find out why rather than letting it stand. The usual roots are pornography, stress, resentment, fatigue, or emotional distance. Get to the actual root, then come back together. Sex was never meant to be a rare event or a bargaining chip. First Corinthians 7:5 warns couples not to deprive one another, because that gap is where temptation finds room.
Does porn affect sexual intimacy in marriage?
Yes, in two ways. It is one of the common reasons couples find themselves going weeks or months without intimacy at all. It also pollutes the marriage bed directly, since Hebrews 13:4 calls that bed undefiled and pornography, along with fantasies about other people, is exactly what defiles it. Beyond that, acting out porn-inspired scripts turns intimacy into performance and erodes the trust God designed sex to build.
How can a husband help his wife feel more desire?
Start far outside the bedroom. Sex with your wife begins way before that room, so connect with her emotionally and you will not be disappointed. Ask her directly what makes her feel most loved, how you can pursue her heart outside the bedroom so she feels safe inside it, and what helps her feel attractive, desired, and secure. True intimacy is serving each other and finding joy in your spouse's pleasure.
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