4 Steps To Practicing Forgiveness
How do I forgive my husband after betrayal?
Forgiveness releases you, not him, and it does not mean excusing what he did. Start by understanding the offense and accepting that his addiction was not your fault. Then make your own healing the focus instead of camping in anger. Be intentional, because forgiveness does not just happen. Neuroscience backs this up: unforgiveness keeps the body in a stress response, while forgiving calms the brain's fear center.
Forgiving doesn’t come easy, especially when you’ve experienced the gut-wrenching pain of betrayal.
If you recognize this in your own story, betrayal trauma recovery may help.
It’s especially difficult when the offender shows no remorse or willingness to change. In order to benefit from the healing power of forgiveness, you have to shift your perspective. Forgiveness doesn’t release the offender. Forgiveness releases you from its grip of destruction.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
What unforgiveness does to your body
The neuroscience of forgiveness reveals that those who don’t forgive will experience deteriorating effects on the body, mind, and soul. Holding onto unforgiveness creates a brain response, causing heart issues, digestive problems, inability to regulate emotions, joint pain, autoimmune diseases, and a myriad of other physiological and psychological issues.
Holding onto unforgiveness creates a brain response, causing heart issues, digestive problems, inability to regulate emotions, joint pain, autoimmune diseases, and a myriad other physiological and psychological issues.
What forgiveness does to your brain
On the flip side, studies show powerful neurological and psychological benefits to forgiving. For example, data from one study shows the neurochemical, oxytocin (also known as the “love” hormone), interacting with the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for our fight or flee response.
Oxytocin inhibits the amygdala from triggering the fight-or-flight response by interrupting a particular warning mechanism that causes a fear response. In other words, the love hormone, oxytocin can overpower the fear center of the brain. To forgive is to choose love like Christ. Simply forgiving inhibits fear and allows us to learn to trust again. Trust is the key in healing relationships.
Forgiveness also activates and heals areas of our brain responsible for empathy and clarity of thoughts. It improves our overall health, lowering blood pressure, enhancing our ability to regulate emotions, better heart health, and so much more.
4 Steps to Practice Forgiveness
1. Understand the Offense
Forgiveness does not mean that you excuse the sin. However, by accepting the betrayal was not your fault and understanding more about sexual addictions, you will help reframe your mindset.
Watch the Conquer Series and Warpath on SoulRefiner.com to learn more about sexual addiction and a biblical and scientific approach to renewing the mind.
2. Reframe the Offense
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Let your own personal healing become your focus. There is a time and season for anger and grief, but make it a priority not to set up base camp there.
Determine that you will nurse your wounds for a season as you move into healing. When you stay focused on your healing, you will spend less energy on feeling resentful and holding onto the pain.
Related Article: 5 Reasons to Reject Resentment
3. Be Intentional, Forgiveness Doesn’t “Just Happen"
If you wait on a “feeling” to forgive you may be waiting for a lifetime. Feelings are faulty and fleeting. Forgiveness will take a disciplined response. Tell yourself daily you choose to forgive and find an opportunity to put it into practice.
4. Pray!
Ask God daily to give you strength to forgive. He alone has the power to do the impossible, including giving you the fortitude to pray for your offender. Probably one of the hardest things to do in life, but a powerful action that will bring you closer to the heart of Christ and fortify your healing journey.
Why God tells us to forgive
God commissioned us to forgive as a mechanism to protect and heal our mind. Who else to know the fine details of the brain than the Grand Architect, Himself?
When you make a conscious decision to seek a path of forgiveness, you are ingesting the very elixir God designed to heal and repair your mind.
Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.
Related Article: 5 Reasons To Reject Resentment
Related Article: Resentment After Betrayal Kills
If you're working through this, these posts may help: the silent marriage killer and why your porn problem is not your wife’s fault.
Writing at the intersection of faith and neuroscience to help men and women break destructive cycles and walk in lasting freedom.
More articles by Jeremy Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
Does forgiving someone mean excusing what they did?
No. Forgiveness does not mean you excuse the sin, and it never requires you to call the betrayal acceptable. It means accepting that the betrayal was not your fault and understanding more about how sexual addiction actually works, which reframes the whole picture. As the old line has it, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." You are refusing to stay chained to what is destroying you.
What does holding onto unforgiveness do to your body?
It keeps you in a sustained stress response with real physical costs. Holding onto unforgiveness creates a brain response linked to heart issues, digestive problems, an inability to regulate emotions, joint pain, autoimmune disease and a range of other physiological and psychological problems. The damage lands on the person who was already wounded, which is precisely why forgiveness is described as a mechanism God designed to protect and heal the mind.
What happens in the brain when you forgive?
Studies show measurable neurological benefits. Data from one study shows oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, interacting with the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response. Oxytocin inhibits the amygdala from triggering that response by interrupting the warning mechanism behind fear. Forgiveness also activates and heals the areas responsible for empathy and clear thinking, and improves blood pressure, heart health and emotional regulation.
What if I do not feel like forgiving?
Then forgive anyway, because feelings are faulty and fleeting. If you wait on a feeling to forgive, you may be waiting a lifetime. Forgiveness takes a disciplined response: tell yourself daily that you choose to forgive, and look for an opportunity to put that choice into practice. Ask God every day for the strength to do it, including the strength to pray for the person who hurt you.
Where can I learn more about sexual addiction while I heal?
The Conquer Series and Warpath are both available on SoulRefiner.com, and both take a biblical and scientific approach to renewing the mind. Understanding what sexual addiction actually is helps reframe your mindset and makes forgiveness less like pretending and more like clear-eyed release. There is a time and a season for anger and grief, but do not set up base camp there.
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