God’s Not Done Here Yet

I sat there in the church in silent disbelief. It was Thursday night. I thought to myself, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be at home tucking your sons into bed.” Yet, here I was. All around me were strangers taking turns sharing their stories of sexual sin, betrayal, and heartache. I started practicing in my head what I would say:

If you're navigating this kind of pain, betrayal trauma recovery can help you find your footing.

“Hi. My name is Kristina, and I just found out my husband, Lamar, is a sex addict. I must be the biggest idiot in the world because he kept this from me for 18 years. Eight months ago, Lamar was with his affair partner. When her husband found out, he tried to kill my husband. Lamar managed to escape being shot at, but his affair partner and her best friend weren’t so lucky. They were both murdered. Yes. You probably recognize the story. It’s been all over the news.”

That didn’t even cover that just the night before, God disclosed to me that Lamar was still acting out and carrying on with other women. When I confronted him, he confessed to being unfaithful our entire marriage. It started with a secret pornography addiction that graduated to full-blown emotional and sexual affairs with women throughout our marriage.

At A Loss

I was still numb. I honestly didn’t know if we were going to stay married. Until this new disclosure, I felt convicted to stay and fight for our marriage. But after last night, when he finally took the lid off the box of lies he had been hiding from me for 18 years, I wasn’t so sure. He was completely broken, lost, and sick. I hardly recognized the man he had become. I was ready to go.

I honestly don’t remember what words came out of my mouth that night when it was my turn to speak. What I do remember was the group’s sweet and encouraging responses. They didn’t judge me. They didn’t judge Lamar. They didn’t try to fix my mess. They just provided a safe place for me to bare my soul.

After we shared our stories, we watched the Conquer Series. Tears poured down my face as I listened to Dr. Ted Robert’s words at the opening of episode one. They echoed in my brain and penetrated my broken heart. “God’s not done with you.”

Related Article: Creating A Masterpiece Out Of The Broken Pieces

It's Not Over

Could this be true? Was there hope for Lamar? I wanted to believe there was a chance for us. But it seemed such an impossibility for our marriage, for my husband...for me.

We were too far gone. Lamar had been unfaithful, and God hates adultery. Right? So I was supposed to leave him. Yet here I sat. I had agreed to come to this meeting as a last-ditch effort. Was there a part of me, buried deep below the raw and unbearable pain of the betrayal, still believing there was a chance?

A small, barely audible voice inside me said, “Yes! It’s not over. God’s not done here yet.” That voice was the same voice that had assured me this was just a season, and God would not leave me here. The voice told me in the middle of the night that God had something much bigger planned for my husband, but this testing, pain, and suffering had to happen first.

So I held onto those words like a lifeline fearing if I even loosened my grip a little, I would sink below the raging, stormy waters surrounding me.

Watching the rest of the episode was a blur. I remember feeling shocked hearing the statistics of men in the church who struggle with porn. I remember wanting to vomit when I heard about the Kinsey Reports. I remember this deep compassion taking root in my heart as other men confessed how their sexual sin almost destroyed their lives.

God gave each of them another chance. Did that mean He was giving my husband another chance, too? Could my husband come out of this as a conqueror through Christ?

The answer came before I even had a chance to ask him. Lamar turned to me as pale as a ghost and said,