Give The Gift Of A Heart Renewed This Valentine’s Day
What should I give my wife for Valentine's Day if I struggle with porn?
Give her a changed heart rather than another teddy bear. Flowers and dinner cannot replace the intimacy porn has drained. Start by accepting yourself: your past does not define you, and in Christ your identity is not your sin. Then remember what made you fall for her, and love her with no expectation of sex in return. Deepen your walk with God, who already knows and still loves you.
It’s time for the annual bombardment of Madison Avenue’s version of what true love looks like. They boldly tell us how we should express our deepest feelings of love and devotion to our wives or girlfriends.
Yes, my friends, Valentine’s Day is upon us.
You may already have ordered some flowers and bought a mushy card and a box of candy for your beloved. You may even have reserved a table at an upscale restaurant or planned an exciting evening. After all, isn’t that what is expected of every American husband or boyfriend?
But if you struggle with porn, you may dread Valentine’s Day. It’s not that you don’t love the woman in your life. But you know that your vows to honor and love only her are being trampled on every time you view porn.
You feel shame and a sense of worthlessness knowing that you are living a double life. You have become less interested in her and intimacy may have died a long time ago.
Related Article: No More Secrets Or Shame: Restore Intimacy In Your Marriage
Now you focus more of your time and attention on the images on a screen rather than on the real-life woman you committed your life to. That cuddly teddy bear you give her can never replace the longing she has to cuddle you, the man she loves.
So how can you begin to overcome porn and restore that desire for your wife or girlfriend that both of you deeply crave? It begins by focusing on three areas.
Accept Yourself
Deep down, it’s likely you have many deep hurts inside from your childhood that make you feel worthless. You heard such comments as ‘You’ll never amount to anything’ so many times that you accepted them as fact.
As you spiral down into porn to medicate that pain, you begin to feel like a failure as a man, husband, and father. There is a painful reality of accepting that you may have done some horrible things, but they don’t have to define you. If you’ve committed your life to Jesus then your identity is not in pornography, nor any other sin, but in Christ.
Related Article: From Porn Star To Pastor: How God Rewrote Joshua Broome’s Story
Take time to soak in God’s grace for you through what Jesus did on the cross. Learn to see yourself as the toddler learning to walk and God, the loving Father who picks you up each time you fall and says, “Keep walking toward me,” with His arms wide open.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Admit that you have a problem with porn and accept that in Christ, you can change and live a porn-free life.
The Conquer Series, a powerful 10-week video-based course will help you understand the mental and spiritual aspects of porn usage and will show you a path to freedom.
Related Article: Bringing Intimacy Back To The Bedroom
Remember
Think back on that first Valentine’s Day when you were dating your wife or girlfriend. Think of all the things about her that made you fall crazy in love with her – her smile, her personality, her cute quirks, her loving caress. Really take a few minutes and recall those early days of your relationship when she was your whole world.
Yes, time has a way of changing all of us, in both good and not-so-good ways. But she is still the woman you promised to love forever. Win her heart again.
But don’t set the standard too high on February 14. As Covenant Eyes wrote,
Get the Best of Soul Refiner in Your Inbox
Join over 100,000 readers and receive practical insights, encouragement, and resources for healing, growth, and restoration delivered straight to your inbox.
No spam. We'll never sell or share your email, and you can unsubscribe anytime.
By signing up, you agree to our Privacy Policy.
“Don’t think of Valentine’s Day as a time to seek sex. Instead, consciously make it an opportunity to demonstrate unconditional love—with no expectation of getting something in return. Use this day to work on things that enhance relationships. Yes, make it fun, but also plan activities or discussions that can help build stronger lines of communication and foster real intimacy.”
Your Relationship With God
What does God have to do with Valentine’s Day? Everything! He IS love. He created male and female. He established marriage. He created sex. He designed our feelings, our emotions, and our ability to love others.
And He loves you. Your past and your porn usage don’t disqualify you from the incredible depth of His love. He already knows that you view porn. And He would love to see you living in freedom from porn.
Related Article: Restoring Intimacy To Your Relationship
If you are a Christian, you are already His son. Nothing can change that. So claim your worth and dignity in Him.
You are not what your parents or anybody else ever said you were. You can trust God to help you overcome porn.
And when you deepen your relationship with Him, you will see your marriage and love for your wife be restored. Then every day can be like Valentine’s Day as you grow together.
Related Article: Here Is How To Love Your Wife Better
The Conquer Series
If you’re ready to start on the path to restoring your relationships with your wife and God, the Conquer Series can help you.
This series consists of ten videos that are filled with action-packed military footage, powerful testimonies, and engaging Biblical teaching. An interactive study guide and online journal are available to help keep you focused on the lessons throughout the week.
Millions of men around the world are being helped by the Conquer Series.
Conquer Groups allow godly men to discuss the lessons and develop bonds of support and encouragement that will become valuable connections for you. You can also study the course on your own, but the small groups are strongly encouraged.
Joshua Jorstad wrote,
“Because of the Conquer Series, I started my journey to be free from porn! I am officially a year and a half clean and have been loving the change. Ultimately, it was God who changed my heart, but your resources helped a bunch!”
And Edward Froese said,
“After the first session of the Conquer Series I knew why the Holy Spirit had nudged me to attend. I was in much deeper than I thought…Our marriage is wonderful again, and that was not because my wife had to change. I had to change.”
Writing at the intersection of faith and neuroscience to help men and women break destructive cycles and walk in lasting freedom.
More articles by Jeremy Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I dread Valentine's Day when I still love my wife?
Because the day puts a spotlight on the gap between your vows and your habit. You promised to honor and love only her, and every time you view porn those vows get trampled. That double life breeds shame and a sense of worthlessness, and shame makes celebration feel like performance. The dread is not proof you stopped loving her. It is proof your conscience is still alive.
Why does porn make me feel worthless as a man?
Most men carrying this struggle are carrying older wounds underneath it. Words like you will never amount to anything get heard often enough that they start sounding like fact, and porn becomes the medication for that pain. Then the porn itself makes you feel like a failure as a man, husband and father. The feeling is real. The verdict behind it is false.
Does God still love me if I look at porn?
Yes. He already knows what you have viewed, and He loves you anyway. If you have given your life to Christ, you are His son, and nothing changes that. Your past and your porn use do not disqualify you from the depth of His love. Picture a toddler learning to walk and a Father who picks him up every time and says keep walking toward me.
Can intimacy come back in a marriage that porn has damaged?
It can, but not through one grand gesture. Start by loving her with no expectation of getting anything in return, and use the day to build communication rather than to seek sex. Think back to what made you fall for her in the first place, and win her heart again from there. As your walk with God deepens, your love for your wife gets restored alongside it.
What is the Conquer Series?
It is a ten week video based course that helps men understand the mental and spiritual sides of porn use and shows them a path to freedom. Each session blends cinematic military footage, powerful testimonies and solid biblical teaching. An interactive study guide and online journal keep you focused through the week. You can study alone, but a Conquer Group of men walking it together is strongly encouraged.
How to Quit Pornand Find Lasting Freedom
Discover the biblical and neuroscience-based approach that has helped millions of men and
over 50,000 churches break the addiction cycle and pursue lasting freedom.
No Credit Card Needed
Recommended Articles
Porn RecoveryCan Christians Watch Porn? What the Bible Says
A straight biblical answer on whether Christians can watch porn — what Scripture says, why believing men still struggle, and where freedom starts.
MarriageMarriage Counseling for Porn Addiction
What to expect from marriage counseling for porn addiction, why couples counseling alone often fails, and what has to happen for healing to hold.
Porn RecoveryBiblical Manhood: What Scripture Calls Men To
Biblical manhood isn't about being tougher or more traditional. Here's what Scripture actually calls men to - and the integrity it takes to get there.