How Toxic Shame Traps You In The Destructive Cycle of Porn
Why does shame keep me trapped in porn?
Shame is what keeps the cycle turning. Guilt says you did something bad; shame says you are bad, and that belief drives you back to porn to medicate the pain. Its roots often reach back to childhood abuse, belittling, or neglect. Romans 8:1 answers it directly: there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Freedom starts by separating who you are from what you have done.
Shame is one of the most powerful bonds that keeps men from breaking free of their pornography usage. Shame is not to be confused with guilt – it can be much more destructive to a man’s self-esteem and feeling of self-worth.
Guilt says, “I did something bad,” but shame says, “I am bad.” Guilt focuses on action, but shame focuses on the person.
Shame causes you to feel like your mistakes and flaws make you unworthy of love, you’re not a good person, and you are a loser. Its roots may go back to your childhood when you were abused, belittled, or neglected.
Related Article: 6 Lies Men Believe When They Struggle With Porn
But you are not the only one who has experienced shame – most people have at some point in their lives. In fact, the first two humans knew the feeling of shame.
After Adam and Eve had eaten the forbidden fruit and realized they were naked, they tried to hide from God. Their shame made them think that they would no longer be accepted and loved by God. Your porn usage may make you feel unworthy of God’s love and grace, but that will never be true.
In Romans 8:1, Paul assures us that, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
The Shame Cycle
Like most addictions, porn addiction tends to repeat a cycle.
Porn addicts use sexual images to manage their feelings of being unworthy of love and acceptance, low self-esteem, and medicating their past abusive experiences.
Then, after they have used porn, they feel shame for their actions.
Related Article: Addiction: It Doesn’t Have To Be This Way
Their shame creates anxiety and more self-condemnation, so they watch more porn to try to relieve this stress. So they create a cycle of acting out, then feeling shame, and needing more porn to try to ease the anxiety and feelings of being a ‘bad person.’
Unfortunately, the person progresses to needing more explicit materials to overcome his pain.
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As Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S, and author of Sex Addiction 101, explained,
“Eventually, numbing and denial will dissipate for most sex addicts. And when it does, they start to feel ashamed, guilty and remorseful. Exacerbating these unwanted emotions is the fact that they also feel powerless to stop the cycle of their addiction.”
“Plus, whatever reality it was that they were trying to escape in the first place returns, bringing with it the self-loathing, anxiety and depression they were probably already experiencing. “
Related Article: Rescued: One Man’s Journey From Shame To Grace
Trapped
The key to shame’s grip on a porn addict is its ability to make him take any measure he can to hide his porn usage. Since he feels nobody would love him and he’ll be rejected if they knew, he dreads the thought that others will discover his activities.
As he focuses on guarding his secret, he becomes more isolated from his friends and family. Then once again he turns to more porn to deal with the tremendous stress of not being able to have close personal connections.
Related Article: Man Dies Alone With Massive Porn Stash
Brittany Meadows of Addiction Campuses wrote,
“Each time you repeat this cycle, you become more let down by your inability to handle these pressures. You don’t want help from other people because each time you fail – the shame strengthens.”
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Breaking Free
Breaking free from the bonds of shame will not be easy. You will have to become vulnerable and trust that you can openly tell someone else about the feelings and actions you have tried so hard to conceal. You will have to connect with people to escape your self-made isolation.
The first step is to realize that God created you and loves you. He already knows every sexual image you have looked at and every shameful thought and feeling you have had.
Related Article: Who Am I? Knowing Your Identity Brings Freedom From Porn
Before you talk to people, ask for His forgiveness and experience the grace and mercy that he has for you. Knowing that he sees you as his child worthy of dignity, acceptance, and great value will strengthen you to confide in other godly people.
Also, accept that you are not perfect and never will be. No one is. You have and will make mistakes and wrong choices. But whatever happened in your past does not need to determine your future. You can have a wonderful life free from pornography. Christ’s death on the cross took all of our imperfections – and we were raised to life in Him. So if you are in Christ, God sees His perfect Son when He looks at us.
Meadows said,
“Do you see yourself as a ‘loser’ or an ‘addict?’ Stop shaming yourself with labels and promote yourself as an individual. Of course there are things you may wish to change from your past, but your self-worth isn’t based on what you’ve done or haven’t done: It’s based on your ownership of those choices and the commitment to positive life changes.”
To that, I would add, it is based not on how you see yourself, but how God sees you!
Related Article: Surrendering Shame In A Grace-Filled Church
Accountability
To overcome shame, you must break free of your isolation. The best way is to become accountable to other godly men. A small group will allow you to speak openly with other men who have also struggled with shame and porn.
Related Article: How These Men Are Getting Over Porn
Dr. Doug Weiss is a psychologist who is featured in a powerful, cinematic course that helps men find freedom from porn called the Conquer Series. He explains,
“Anybody can be free if they’re willing to do the work. But the first work is getting honest, and a lot of Christians — we’re not confessing our faults one to another; we’re not talking about what’s going on.”
He added, “If you don’t have an accountability partner, get one. The enemy of your soul looks for easy prey. The easiest prey for our enemy is a man who is not honest or accountable; in other words, he is alone…It’s going to hurt. But one bad day of being honest is better than decades of struggling.”
James 5:16 says,
“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
A Resource To Help You Break The Shame Cycle
The Conquer Series is a 10-week resource that has already helped millions of men find freedom from shame and porn. It includes powerful testimonies, solid Biblical teaching, insightful scientific information, and military action reenactments.
There are also Conquer Groups hosted by many churches. Find one in your area to connect with or join a group online.
Sean W. in Tennessee said,
“God brought me to a place where I was introduced to the Conquer Series and I have been 100% sober ever since!”
You can find the same freedom as Sean. Visit SoulRefiner.com and get started today!
Writing at the intersection of faith and neuroscience to help men and women break destructive cycles and walk in lasting freedom.
More articles by Jeremy Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt says "I did something bad." Shame says "I am bad." Guilt points at an action you can confess and turn from. Shame points at you, and hands down a verdict about who you are. That difference matters, because you can repent of an action, but shame offers nothing to repent of, only something to carry. Its roots often reach back to being abused, belittled or neglected long before porn was ever in the picture.
Why do I go back to porn right after I feel terrible about it?
Because shame and porn feed each other. You use porn to medicate feeling unworthy, then feel shame for using it, then the anxiety of that shame drives you back for relief. Robert Weiss, author of Sex Addiction 101, describes what happens once the numbing wears off: men "start to feel ashamed, guilty and remorseful," and worse, "they also feel powerless to stop the cycle of their addiction." The loop tightens every time round.
Does God still love me if I have been looking at porn?
Yes. He already knows every image you have looked at and every thought you have hidden, and it has not changed His mind about you. Romans 8:1 says plainly, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Porn use may leave you feeling unworthy of grace, but feeling unworthy and being unworthy are not the same thing. Start there, before you try to fix anything else.
How do I stop hiding this from the people closest to me?
Shame's whole power is in the hiding. It convinces you that if people knew, they would reject you, so you guard the secret, pull back from friends and family, and then turn to porn again to cope with the isolation you just created. Breaking that starts with telling one safe person the truth. James 5:16 puts it directly: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."
Can I break free from shame on my own?
Not well, and not for long. Shame survives on isolation, which means the thing it needs most is the thing it resists hardest. Dr. Doug Weiss puts the cost plainly: "It's going to hurt. But one bad day of being honest is better than decades of struggling." Accountability with other godly men, in a group where you can say it out loud and not be thrown away, is what starves shame of oxygen.
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