Shattered Christianity
Can porn break your walk with God even if you're saved?
Yes. One man stayed active in every part of church life while porn quietly shattered his daily walk with Christ, leaving him feeling defeated and ineffective. Eight years ago he confessed the double life to his wife of 30 years. Seeking help, they found their church and Christian community pushed them away, dismissed and ostracized them. His wife also found almost no confidential support for betrayed wives.
A gentleman recently contacted the Conquer Series with a personal story of his shattered Christianity and how he found hope, healing, restoration, and rest. He wrote this story for a local church to consider starting a Conquer Group. He granted permission to share this story in the hope of helping other churches confront this issue.
If you're navigating this kind of pain, betrayal trauma recovery can help you find your footing.
The Struggle
His story is proof that the Conquer Series can turn a shattered faith into a rebuilt one.
The gentleman was actively involved in all aspects of Christian life, but his continual lack of sexual integrity and complete fellowship shattered his relationship with Christ. He was exposed to pornography early in his life, and it gradually became an integral, accepted part of his life, even as a Christian. He was aware that he was secure in his salvation, but his daily walk with Christ was constantly sidetracked. He felt desperately defeated and ineffective as a Christian witness and follower of Christ.
Related Article: Rescued: One Man’s Journey From Shame To Grace
The Turning Point
Eight years ago, under conviction from God, he shared with his wife of 30 years the double life he was living. He was in a covenant marriage with her and under Christ, but at the same time viewing porn and allowing masturbation to create a false underworld of fantasy and control. His shattered Christianity became evident and exposed.
Seeking Healing
After admitting his double life, he and his wife immediately sought out safe Christians and places to discuss and work through all the broken places he had created in their relationship. They started seeking with limited, anonymous Christian sources online and followed up with anyone who would just listen and walk with them. However, they found the lack of meaningful help from their church and the Christian community to be frustrating. They felt pushed away, dismissed, ostracized, and abandoned.
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Related Article: Testimony: One Man's Desperate Attempt To Find Healing
The Impact
The gentleman's wife also struggled to find other Christian women who shared her commitment to covenant marriage, in spite of their husbands' betrayal. She was hurt on a personal level by the continuing lack of easily identifiable, confidential, available support in the overall Christian community for wives who have experienced this type of betrayal. They realized that this situation was permeating the church, and they needed more support.
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33 NASB
Private Infidelity
The gentleman admits that he did not cross the "flesh" barrier. He did not act out his fantasies physically with another person or participate in phone sex or go to online chat forums. Instead, he had private infidelity, fantasy in his head and heart (thought-life) with porn and masturbation. Sadly, he came to know that a majority of Christian men in their current society have this same attitude and thought-life infidelity. He also realized that this had just as deep and devastating an impact on his covenant relationship with his wife as if he had physically sought out prostitutes or an adulterous partner.
Hope, Healing, Restoration
The gentleman shares his story to highlight the power of the Conquer Series and how it helped him find hope, healing, restoration, and rest. He is grateful for the courage that Highland is showing by intentionally offering a place to begin courageous conversations about sexual brokenness. He encourages churches to consider starting a Conquer Group to help others confront this issue and find healing.
"Come unto me all who are weary and heavy laden and will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.
For more on this, take a look at what porn actually does to your brain and 6 lies men believe about porn.
Writing at the intersection of faith and neuroscience to help men and women break destructive cycles and walk in lasting freedom.
More articles by Jeremy Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
Is watching porn cheating if there was no physical affair?
He calls it private infidelity, and he does not soften it. He never crossed what he describes as the flesh barrier, never acted anything out with another person, never used phone lines or chat forums. It stayed in his head and his heart, with porn and masturbation. He came to understand it had wounded his covenant marriage as deeply as an affair would have.
How do I tell my wife I have been watching porn?
In his case it came under conviction from God, and he told his wife of thirty years about the double life he had been living rather than waiting to be discovered. What followed mattered as much as the disclosure itself: the two of them immediately went looking for safe Christians and safe places to work through the damage together.
Why do churches struggle to help men caught in porn?
Because most have never decided to. When this couple went looking for help after his disclosure, what they found from their church and the wider Christian community was frustrating and thin. They were pushed away, dismissed, ostracised and abandoned at the exact moment they had done the hardest and most honest thing available to them.
Where can a wife find support after her husband's betrayal?
It remains far harder to find than it should be. His wife struggled to find other Christian women committed to covenant marriage in the face of betrayal, and she was hurt by how little confidential, identifiable, available support existed for wives in her position. Churches willing to open that conversation are doing something genuinely rare.
What is a Conquer Group?
It is a small group that works through the Conquer Series together at a local church, and it is the reason this man wrote his story down in the first place. He shared it so a church considering starting one would understand what is at stake. He encourages churches to start these groups so other men and couples can find healing rather than silence.
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