How To Tell Your Wife That You’re Struggling With Porn
How do I tell my wife I am struggling with porn?
Prepare before you speak. The Conquer Series recommends disclosing after at least six months of sobriety, so you come with real change rather than a promise. Take it to God first, then plan it with your Conquer Group and write it down. Meet privately, tell the truth in one conversation rather than in pieces, take full responsibility without blaming your wounds, and give her room to react.
The Conquer Series recommends that men disclose their struggles with pornography and sexual addiction to their wives when they reach a minimum of six months sobriety. The intent is to avoid a staggered disclosure where we repeatedly traumatize our wives. We need to disclose effectively so that we can start a new chapter of marriage where we have no secrets with our wives.
This kind of disclosure is one part of the fuller process the Conquer Series walks men through.
Disclosing to our wives may be the most significant emotional event in our journey to freedom. We have been battling alongside a group of men dedicated to achieving sexual purity. We have exposed the enemy’s schemes to reshape our brains through porn. We have dug deep and discovered the wounds that we were medicating with sexual addiction.
Related Article: Husbands, Here’s How To Love Your Wife Well
We have reprogrammed our brains with God’s Word and His Promises to achieve deliverance. We have been learning and practicing spiritual tools that will give us sustained victory. This has all been accomplished in a safe group of men locked in confidentiality. Our wives have no context or knowledge of the battle we have been through.
Disclosure may result in anything from an extremely painful day to something that takes a long time to heal. It is not actually the disclosure, but our sinful behavior that has hurt our wives.
Disclosure is a chance to expose our behavior to the light of Christ and to tell our wives the truth in order to bring long-term healing to our marriage.
The following principles will help us to disclose our addiction, battle, and victory to our wives in the most loving and protective manner possible.
Are You Ready
- Permanent sobriety has been achieved without relapse.
- Battle Plan is habit strength:100% of electronic devices protected
- Prepare for the battle EVERY morning for 21 days or more
- Prepare for the battle EVERY night for 21 nights or more
- Be in a continuing relationship with your Conquer Group, Pure Desire Group, Warpath Group or graduates of these programs
- 100% of electronic devices protected
- Fully engaged in ministry with a community of believers. Our future must be focused on following Christ, nothing else.
- Lines of marital communication are open. If communication is broken, restore it. You can’t disclose to your wife unless there is some normal level of communication.
- Ensure that you are battling well against your addictive behavior. You must embrace truth as a lifestyle and continue to disclose sinful behavior and relapses to your Conquer, Warpath, or Seven Pillars of Freedom group.
Related Article: Do I Really Have To Tell My Wife Everything?
Related Article: Full Disclosure: How Victory Over Shame Begins With Honesty
Prepare
Conversation With God
- Our first conversation about disclosure is with God. We need to confess all of our sexual sin. We need to receive God’s grace and forgiveness. We need to believe that He loves us and has forgiven us.
- The next part of the conversation needs to be when, how, and what should I disclose to my wife. Six months is a guideline. God knows our wives intimately. He knows what is going to happen when we disclose. We need His wisdom and guidance on when, what, and how to disclose.
Conversation With Our Brothers In Christ
- Our second conversation is with our brothers in Christ. Our disclosure to our wives may be the most critical conversation of our marriage. It needs prayer and planning. Don’t go into this conversation unprepared.
- Plan your disclosure. Write it down. Review it with your accountability partner or group members.
- Call your brothers to prayer. Don’t do this in your own power. Your battle for truth and for your marriage needs to be covered with intercessory prayer. You need to enter this conversation with your wife with the Holy Spirit’s discernment, wisdom, and power.
- Be prepared to absorb your wife’s reaction with humility and love. This will be the most difficult conversation you have ever had. Don’t expect it to happen without some degree of pain.
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Disclose
- Meet with your wife in a private setting where you will not be interrupted. It may be helpful to disclose to your wife in the presence of a mediator – such as a counselor or pastor.
- Disclose your sexual addiction and the form it has taken. Tell her that you have been viewing pornography and how you have acted out, how often, and for how long.
- Start at the highest level of detail.
Example
I need to tell you something. I have been struggling with pornography and…for years. I have been unable to break my addiction on my own and have received help through something called The Conquer Series. I have not acted out in months/years and am striving toward ongoing freedom. I have systems in place to keep me accountable and to prevent this from happening again. I am sorry. I wish I could go back and change the past, but I can’t. What I can do is promise to love you unconditionally like Christ loved the church, for the rest of our lives. Please forgive me.
Related Article: No More Secrets. No More Shame: Restoring Intimacy In Your Marriage
- Give your wife time to react. Receive whatever she says to you.
- If your wife is open to more conversation now or in the future, explain that your addiction was how you chose to medicate the wounds and the destructive vows and limbic lies that you told yourself about your wounds. She will likely recognize how limbic lies have governed your behavior.
- Take responsibility for your behavior at all times. Explain the wounds, but don’t blame the wounds.
- Be considerate and discerning about the level of detail. In most cases, your wife does not need the same level of detail as you gave to your Conquer Group.
Related Article: Do I Really Have to Tell My Wife Everything?
Continue To Battle Well
- After Disclosure, there may be a time of grief, anger, emotional, or even physical separation. Disclosure is the ultimate double-bind. We have been freed from our addiction and have been sober for an extended period of time. Most of us believe that when we are forgiven and released from our sin, our marriage should improve immediately. This is not realistic and reflects a works mentality that could send us back to the binge-purge cycle. Our marriage may hurt for a time before it improves.
- Focus all of your energy into your relationship with God and pray for your wife with no expectation of receiving anything in return.
- Remember, we have wounded our wives. We need to focus on her healing through prayer and visible acts of unconditional love.
- This will be a very tough battle. We can achieve another level of freedom by learning to love our wives as Christ loved the church – which means it is about her and not about us. We need to love her unconditionally and want her to be healed for her sake, not ours.
Related Article: The Benefits Of Full Disclosure & How It Can Help Heal Your Marriage
Disclosure to our spouse may be one of the toughest battles in our war for freedom and sexual purity. With God’s help and the support of our Conquer, Seven Pillars, or Warpath group, disclosure can be the launching point for a marriage that reflects Christ’s love for the church. (Ephesians 5:25-33).
Kevin Noble is a Conquer Group Leader in Michigan who wrote this post to help Conquer Leaders and other men walk through the disclosure process with their wives.
Related Article: Marriage Recovery: Husbands Helping Wives Heal From Betrayal
As your spouse learns about your hidden sexual behavior, she is going to experience a lot of pain. Along with what Kevin has suggested above, Pure Desire Ministries recommends taking the following steps to reduce the pain your spouse will experience:
- You should only go through the full disclosure process with your spouse once you have completed the Conquer Series and are working through the Seven Pillars of Freedom, and have six months of sobriety. Do not read this as an excuse to lie about your behavior. As you walk in recovery, you need to be practicing honesty at every step.
- Couples who choose to disclose as part of a counseling process with a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) have a higher probability of success in safeguarding their marriage.
- Churches must have support groups for women. After experiencing disclosure, your wife will need to go through the Conquer Series with a group of other women and move into a long term program, like Betrayal and Beyond.
KingdomWorks Studios is currently working on a Series for Wives that focuses on restoration from betrayal. Sign up for updates on this series.
You might also find Will I Ever Want to Be Intimate Again After Betrayal? helpful.
Writing at the intersection of faith and neuroscience to help men and women break destructive cycles and walk in lasting freedom.
More articles by Jeremy Wiles →Frequently Asked Questions
Why wait six months of sobriety before telling my wife?
Because six months of sobriety means you come to her with real change instead of another promise. The goal is a single, complete disclosure rather than a staggered one that traumatizes her again every time a new piece comes out. Waiting is not permission to lie in the meantime. You should be practicing honesty at every step while you prepare.
How much detail should I give my wife?
Be considerate and discerning about it. Tell her the truth about what you have been doing, how often, and for how long, starting at the highest level. In most cases she does not need the same level of detail you gave your Conquer Group. If she wants to understand more, explain the wounds you were medicating, but never use those wounds to excuse the behavior.
Should a counselor or pastor be in the room?
It can help a great deal. Meet in a private setting where you will not be interrupted, and consider disclosing in the presence of a mediator such as a counselor or pastor. Couples who disclose as part of a counseling process with a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist have a higher probability of safeguarding their marriage through what follows.
What if my marriage gets worse after I tell her?
Expect that it might for a while. There may be grief, anger, and emotional or even physical separation. Assuming forgiveness should instantly repair the marriage is a works mentality that can send you back into the binge-purge cycle. Pour your energy into your relationship with God and pray for your wife expecting nothing back, because her healing is the point.
What support will my wife need afterward?
She will need her own people, not just your recovery group. Churches must have support groups for women, and after disclosure your wife will need to walk through her own healing with other women and then move into a longer-term program. Your job is to love her unconditionally, with visible acts of love, for her sake rather than for your own relief.
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